Information for family and friends who know someone who is being abused.

Abuse in relationships is quite common, and is mainly committed by men against women. Women in lesbian relationships can also be abusive to their partners as can female relatives.

It is upsetting when someone you care about is being abused by their husband or partner. If you can offer encouragement for your friend or family member to seek help she will feel stronger and supported when seeking help.

It can be hard to understand why someone would stay in a relationship if she is being treated badly. Leaving may appear to be a simple solution. It’s hard to image what it is like to be abused when you are not in the situation yourself.

How can I recognize abuse?

These are some of the signs that someone is being abused:

• She seems afraid of her partner or is always very anxious to please him or her
• She has stopped seeing her friends or family
• Her partner often criticizes or humiliates her in front of other people. She talks about her partners ‘jealously’, ‘bad temper’ or ‘possessiveness’
• She has physical injuries (bruises, broken bones, etc). She may give unlikely explanations for the physical injuries
• After or while she is still in the relationship, her partner is constantly calling her, harassing her, following her, coming to her house or waiting outside.

Many people believe that if women don’t like what is happening she can leave. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. Why doesn't she just leave? It can be very difficult to leaves an abusive partner. This is an important thing for friends and family to understand.

Why it may be so hard to leave:

• She is afraid of what the abuser will do if she leaves. The person who is abusive may have threatened to harm her, her relatives or the children, pets or property. They may threaten to commit suicide if she talks about leaving
• She still loves her partner, because he or she is not abusive all of the time
• She has a commitment to the relationship or a belief that marriage is forever or cannot see herself without a partner
• She hopes her partner will change
• She thinks the abuse is her fault
• She may fear loneliness and have little confidence to cope on her own. The abuse has lowered her self esteem
• She feels too depressed or confused or upset to make decisions for herself and her children.

Leaving an abusive partner may sometimes be quite dangerous. The abuse may continue or increase after she leaves.

What can I do to help her?

• Listen to what she has to say and believe what she tells you
• Take the abuse seriously. Abuse can be damaging bother physically and emotionally, don’t underestimate the danger she may be in
• Respect her right to make her own decisions, even if you don’t agree with them
• Help her access information and about services available, E.g. legal advice, go to the police
• Help her go to a doctor if she has been hurt. A record of injuries may be useful
• Keep supporting her after she has left the relationship. The period of separation could be a dangerous time for her, as the abuse may increase. She may need practical support like help with childcare so she can attend appointments
• Tell her about support services that are available to her.

Adapted from “Is Someone You Know Being Abused in a Relationship?“ Domestic Violence and Incest Resource Centre.